Do You Feel The Same
by Mizzdee
Summary: Bella spent years picking up the pieces of her best friend's broken heart. After one night that went way too far, Bella is ready to give up the one man she truly loves. But is he ready to let her go?


**Disclaimer:** The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight and all musical content belongs to its original owner. Sadly, I own nothing.

This is my entry for the Jukebox Contest on FFn. Song inspiration: Eternal flame by The Bangles

Thanks to my Loulabelle who reads all my stuff and lets me know if it's worth anything. And a huge thank you to my wonderful and awesome beta, AgoodWITCH. I love you two so damn much.

**Summary:** Bella spent years picking up the pieces of her best friend's broken heart. After one night that went way too far, Bella is ready to give up the one man she truly loves. But is he ready to let her go?

* * *

**May 1989**

"Not tonight," I groaned. "Please not tonight."

I rolled over in my bed listening to the pounding on the door, knowing he wasn't going to leave. I couldn't keep doing this, especially so soon after the last time. It just took too much out of me, watching him drink himself into oblivion, falling asleep next to me, and me crying myself to sleep while holding him. He made his choices for his own life but why did he keep putting me through this? How could he not see how much it killed me every time he walked in and out of my life again?

Hopelessly in love and desperately hurting was not what I wanted for my life, but it was my fault for falling in love with my best friend. I had to put my foot down and tell him that this had to be the last time. After three long years of picking up the pieces of his heart, my heart couldn't take anymore.

XoXo B / J XoXo

_**December 1987**_

"_How can she do this to me? I've been good to her, haven't I?" He put the empty beer bottle on the table and took another out of the case he brought with him. "You've seen it, I buy her everything her heart desires and I take her everywhere she asks me to. She means everything to me and I just can't figure out what I'm missing."_

_I sat through his rant, holding my tongue. He didn't want to know what I really thought of his girlfriend. The selfish bitch strung him along for months. She was never going to fully commit to him and he was the only one who couldn't see it. But being the best friend meant that it was my job to pick up every piece she broke and put him back together again. What he didn't seem to realize or understand was that every time I put him back together and he went on his way, he took a piece of me with him._

"_Please, B.," he begged and it broke my heart, "tell me what else I can do. I love her and I can't lose her."_

"_Maybe you should stop trying so hard. She knows she has you wrapped around her finger and she's using it to her advantage. Maybe if you made yourself less available, she would realize that you're not going to jump every time she calls."_

"_I don't do that." He got defensive as he downed the third beer and reached for the fourth._

"_Really? What are you going to do when she calls you tomorrow?"_

"_She told me it was over for good this time, she isn't going to call." He sounded defeated. I hated to see what she reduced him to._

"_Honey, this isn't the first time and it's not going to be the last." I knew my next words were going to hurt but I would never lie to him…well not completely, anyway. "Look, she went out and had her fun like she always does and tomorrow she'll be calling you because she knows you'll be there."_

_And on queue, there was the hurt face I was waiting for. Within seconds, the fourth beer was gone and the fifth was opened. From that point on, conversation was pretty useless as the beers were drained one right after the other. He tried pacing since that was his angry habit, but he was too far gone and after the second fall, I helped him up and carried him to my bed so he could sleep it off. I got his shoes and shirt off and tucked him under the covers. I was going to sleep on the couch but he stopped me._

"_B., will you put the music on?"_

_I didn't answer. I just walked to the dresser, put one of my mix tapes with my favorite soothing songs in the tape deck and turned it on. The music was soft and the volume was low so he wouldn't be bothered. I had my hand on the doorknob when he stopped me again._

"_B., don't go."_

"_You need your rest."_

_I cracked the door a little._

"_Please Bella, don't walk out on me?"_

_That was my undoing. That was what pulled me back every time. All he had to do was say my name and I would do anything he asked. I closed the door, crawled into bed, hugging him from behind and held my best friend until he fell asleep._

XoXo B / J XoXo

The pounding didn't stop and my head fought the losing battle against my heart because, in the end, I knew what I would do. With a deep sigh, my feet hit the cold floor in my attempt to get up, but I couldn't make the rest of my body move. I was torn between the idea of letting him deal with his own problems for once and my burning desire to have him close to me. Of course, desire won out, because everything rested on one simple truth…Jasper counted on me and I loved him too much to let him down.

I got out of bed and went to the closet to grab my sweater, fighting the urge to curl back up under the blankets until he left, but I knew him better than that. I had to answer that door. He never really left me any other option. No matter how many months passed between his visits, he would always show up, pounding on the door until I let him in. If I wasn't home, he would sit on my porch with his back against my front door, waiting until I came back.

XoXo B / J XoXo

_**July 1988**_

_It had been such a long night. I had to work a double shift at the hospital and I was exhausted. I stopped on my way home and grabbed some dinner and I just wanted to curl up and relax with a book before bed. Unfortunately, I knew my night wasn't going to go as I planned once my headlights flashed on the black truck parked in front of my house._

_I grabbed my things and walked towards the front door. The sight was a familiar one, with him leaning against my door, legs sprawled out in front of him and a beer bottle in hand with another one ready to be opened. His red eyes were swollen from crying and he was drunk. He must have been waiting here a long time for him to be this far gone already._

"_Hey, B. I'm glad you're home." _

_My heart went out to him as I stood next to my broken best friend. I offered my hand and pulled to get him up and into the house. We went to the couch where he plopped down and proceeded to tell me how he found out that she was cheating on him again. This was probably the fifth time he caught her doing it and I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out why he stayed with her. Love was one thing, but stupidity was completely different._

_After he drank the ninth beer out of his twelve pack, it was time for him to leave it behind for another night and just get some sleep. Again, I helped him up and we walked to my bedroom together. I made him comfortable by helping to take off his shirt and shoes before tucking him in._

_We had done this enough times before that I didn't even bother going to sleep on the couch anymore. I went to my side of the bed, slipped the tape in and pressed play, filling the room with music. I crawled into bed behind him and hugged him until he fell asleep. Once his breathing changed, I propped myself up on my elbow to watch him sleep._

_My bed was angled perfectly so the moonlight hit him just right and I could see his beautiful face. Unable to resist the urge, I ran my fingers through his hair keeping, it away from his face so it didn't block my view. When I was finally ready for sleep, I kissed the top of his head and whispered, "I love you, Jasper." I laid down close to him to hold him as he slept off another bad night._

XoXo B / J XoXo

The floor creaked as I tiptoed through the empty house. I knew he couldn't hear it from outside but that didn't stop me from halting my progress and cringing with every sound. It was late and my car was out front so he knew I was home, he just didn't know I was awake yet. I left the lights off so he couldn't tell I was making my way to the door. I wasn't ready to face him and I found myself curled up in a ball on the couch while listening to the pounding that echoed eerily through the house, almost as if it was amplifying my pounding heart, making it a living presence surrounding me.

This visit wasn't normal. I had only seen him two days ago. It usually took him months to come around after I fixed whatever it was in him that she was able to break. He told me once that he wished he would visit at a time when we could just have fun again like we used to, but ever since he met her, our contact was reduced to phone calls. I didn't mind because it was the only time I could hear my friend happy, like he used to be.

XoXo B / J XoXo

_**December 1988**_

_I was sitting in my office, entering my notes in some patient files when my phone rang. There was only one person who would call me this late, and I smiled as I answered the phone._

"_Hello."_

"_Hey, B. Merry Christmas." I could hear the smile in his voice._

"_But it's not Christmas yet." I was a little confused._

"_You've been working too hard again, haven't you?" He laughed. "Look at your watch, B."_

_I lifted my wrist to see that it was 12:01am. I wasn't surprised when I saw the time because that was just how he was. No matter what was going on in our lives, his was always the first voice I heard on Christmas day._

"_So, do you have plans for the holiday?"_

"_No, you know better than that. I'll be leaving here in about thirty minutes and then I have to be back for another shift in twelve hours."_

"_You work too much. Don't they have other people that can work on Christmas?"_

"_It nothing big, honey. I don't have any family here and you're gonna be pretty busy so I'm saving myself from a night of boring TV." I chuckled a bit to play it off._

"_Have you heard from your parents yet?"_

"_It's midnight, remember?" We laughed together at that one. "Seriously though, I got a package from them right before I left for work today, but I didn't have a chance to open it yet. Have you heard from yours?"_

"_Nah, I'll be getting the call in the morning though." He paused. "I have something for you. I'm not sure when I'll be able to give it to you, but I wanted you to know I had it and that I didn't forget my girl on Christmas."_

"_I know you wouldn't. I have something for you too."_

_And just like a kid, his excitement got the better of him. "What did you get? Come on, B., you know I hate surprises."_

"_Oh, I'm so sorry." I used my best hurt voice. "I have to get back to work now."_

"_That is cruel and you know it." I could hear his amusement so I knew I wasn't in trouble._

"_Nobody ever said I was nice."_

_I could picture him narrowing his eyes at me. "Paybacks are a bitch, B. You just wait. I will get you back for this and you'll be sorry."_

"_Oh, I'm so scared of you right now." The sarcasm in my voice couldn't have been any heavier._

_His beautiful laugh filled my ears before he spoke again, "Goodnight, Bella. Merry Christmas."_

"_Merry Christmas, Jasper. I'll see you soon."_

XoXo B / J XoXo

Just remembering the smile I always heard in his voice when it was just us, with no other drama mixed in, gave me enough strength to get off the couch. I didn't care what she did or how she hurt him this time, I just knew that I couldn't leave the man I loved broken when I could help him smile again.

The pounding stopped for a minute as I reached the door and he started speaking, it was like he knew I was standing there. I stopped and stared at the piece of wood that separated us and listened to his faint voice on the other side.

"B, open the door."

My hand pressed against the smooth surface to give me some support as I listened.

"B please, I need to talk to you."

My forehead touched the door as my hand moved to the doorknob, but I held still.

"Please Bella, don't shut me out now. I know I fucked up, but we need to talk about this."

To hear him refer to it as his "fuck up" was the final slice that split my already damaged heart in two. Not even the sound of my name coming from his perfect lips helped, as I felt the tear slowly burn a trail down my cheek as I thought of that night.

XoXo B / J XoXo

_**May 1989 - Two Days Ago**_

_I helped him into the room and into bed, taking off his shirt and shoes like always. We had done this so many times over the past three years that, as sad as it sounds, it was our routine. After he was tucked under the blankets, I got up to turn on the music so he could fall asleep. He leaned into my body a little as I slipped in behind him and put my arm around him._

_After a few minutes, I heard the change in his breathing and knew he was asleep. I laid there listening to the music and keeping to the routine he never knew about, I began stoking his hair. He unconsciously leaned further into me and I let out a small sigh then very lightly kissed his hair. I both loved and hated these moments between us, because I wanted him to be here with me like this all the time, not just when he found out she was cheating on him._

_Laying in the darkness with only man I had ever really loved, my mind began to wonder what it would be like if he was mine. The thoughts tormented me because I knew it was never a possibility. He was my best friend and he would never see me as anything other than that. The second that thought crossed my mind, I realized that I made a mistake when putting on the music. I had recorded a tape with most of our favorite songs for the nights he would come over, but I also recorded one for myself with all of my favorite songs that reminded me of him. I knew I had mistakenly picked my tape instead of his when the first beat of the new song sounded in the room._

'_Eternal Flame' was a new song and it quickly became my personal theme song when it came to him. For the first and probably only time, I listened to the music and quietly sang along with the words while he was in bed with me. The silent tears ran down my cheeks as I finished the song and just as the next song began to play, I was startled by his voice._

"_Play it again, B." His voice was just above a whisper._

"_I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up."_

_He rolled over and to face me, but with his back to the moonlight, his face was swallowed by the shadows of the dark room._

"_Wasn't really sleeping." His soft voice was mesmerizing. "Sing it again, Bella."_

_I could swear he knew that just saying my name would get me to do anything he wanted, so I exhaled and gave in like I always did. I put the song back on, snuggled back in next to him and took my only chance to sing those words to him._

_Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling  
Do you feel my heart beating  
Do you understand  
Do you feel the same  
Am I only dreaming  
Is this burning an eternal flame_

_I believe it's meant to be, darling  
I watch you when you are sleeping  
You belong with me  
Do you feel the same  
Am I only dreaming  
Or i__s this burning an eternal flame_

_Say my name  
sun shines through the rain  
A whole life so lonely  
And then you come and ease the pain  
I __don't want to lose this feeling_

_I took a shaky breath and reached up to run my hand through his hair just once. I wished I were able to see his face, but also glad that I couldn't because I don't think I would have had the courage for this. As the chorus started again, I grabbed his hand and hoped that he knew I meant every word I was singing to him._

_Say my name  
sun shines through the rain  
A whole life so lonely  
And then you come and ease the pain  
I __don't want to lose this feeling_

_Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling  
Do you feel my heart beating  
Do you understand  
Do you feel the same  
Am I only dreaming  
Or is this burning an eternal flame_

_The emotions hit me as I sang the last word and it caught in my throat as I felt the tears wanting to come back. I had to escape._

"_Sorry," I choked out. "I'll be back."_

_I turned my body to get out of bed and he caught me by the arm. He pulled me back to face him again and his hand brushed the hair out of my face before he let it rest on my cheek. Even though the shadow shielded him from my eyes, I could feel his on my face._

"_Bella." _

_My eyes closed when he said my name because the way he said it only fed my delusion of he and I actually having a future together as something other than friends. Before I opened them again, I was stunned into absolute stillness when I felt his lips on mine. I couldn't believe after all this time that one of my dreams had finally come true. A second was all it took before I let my lips move to kiss him back and I was in heaven as I lost myself in the softest kiss I had ever been given. His hand slid down my body to my hip and as he pulled me closer, his tongue lightly touched my lips. My mouth opened to him and I sank fully into my fantasy world._

_The sensations of this kiss were overwhelming but all too soon, my head caught up with what my heart was letting me feel and I pulled away. He had a girlfriend and I just wasn't the type of girl to forget that. I could also taste the alcohol and remembered how much he had to drink and I didn't want to end up being his drunken mistake. It wouldn't be right to do this with him. _

"_Please stop. We can't."_

"_Why not?" he asked as he pulled me back to him again and kissed my neck._

"_You have a girlfriend." I reminded him._

"_Who's with someone else right now."_

_He started unbuttoning my shirt and his lips traveled down my body with each button he released._

"_You're drunk." I tried again._

"_Hardly."_

_He slid my right arm out of my shirt as he kissed my chest. I knew I should stop him but my body's desire for him wouldn't let me. My need for him sped up my breaths and quickened my pulse as his fingers glided up my back to unhook my bra, before sliding the strap over the same arm. His lips made their way to my nipple while I thought of how to make this stop before it went too far. He guided my body until I was on my back, his mouth never once leaving my skin. He slid my shirt off my other arm, taking my bra with it, and I tried again to stop him._

"_But…" _

_He lifted his head to look at me and I was finally able to see his eyes, filled with lust, longing and what I hoped was…love._

"_Bella, I know what I want."_

_With those words, he leaned down and kissed me again and I finally gave in. I knew I was only going to hurt myself in the end, but with his lips on mine now, I just didn't care. I had waited and dreamed of this for so long. I would deal with tomorrow…tomorrow._

_My hands were in his hair again, pulling him to me, increasing the pressure of his lips on mine. The kiss was so good but the feel of his hand as it gently caressed my body was like nothing I had felt before. Every touch set my body on fire, creating a slow burn as he took his time with me. His lips moved from mine, trailing down my jaw, my neck and my chest until they found my nipple again. His tongue licked it once, sending shivers down my spine just before his lips closed around it. _

_I was in heaven as his tongue swirled and his teeth lightly nipped at the piece of me between his lips. The burning began again as his fingers left five separate flaming trails from my chest, down my stomach, and ending with his thumb hooking onto the waistband of my pants. He pulled away, finding my eyes again. _

"_Yes." I spoke before he could ask._

_His smile lit up the room seconds before he kissed me again. I lifted my hips as he pulled, and my pants were at my knees. I pulled my legs out while his shaking hand drifted up the inside of my leg. When he finally reached my center, his hand stopped when I gasped, breaking our kiss._

"_You okay?"_

"_Yes." I was breathless. "Don't stop."_

_His lips were on mine for a fraction of a second before my gasp broke the kiss again as his fingers slid over my most sensitive area. His mouth was on my neck, nipping and sucking as his fingers teased me more and more, before finally slipping inside. My body jerked at the feeling of his fingers, moving in and out of me at an excruciatingly slow pace, drawing me to the heights of pleasure only to slowly let me back down again._

_His lips moved from my neck up to my ear and his voice came out in a whisper. "God Bella, I want you so much."_

_They were the words I had wanted to hear for years and now I just couldn't believe my ears. I groaned a little as his hand moved away from me but when I heard the sound of his zipper going down__, I knew he wasn't going to leave me. __He moved away to pull his pants off__,__but it was the tearing sound of the wrapper that caused my whole body to catch fire with the realization that this was really going to happen. My dreams were coming true and I fought to control my breathing as__ he turned his naked body back to me. I will forever give thanks to the moonlight for shining through my window, giving just enough light to see the beautiful man lying next to me. My eyes scanned his body, memorizing every line and every muscle, as I knew I was never going to see this again._

_I watched his eyes shine as he leaned forward, then close just before he placed a kiss to my stomach. He moved his body between my legs as he ran his lips and tongue up my body to make contact with my lips again in a heated kiss. His hips moved between my legs, giving me the sensations I had only dreamed of, and just as the teasing became too much to bear, he pushed inside of me._

"_Oh… Jasper." My fingers dug into his back, holding him to me as tight as I could._

_My hands fell to the bed as he pulled back, capturing my eyes with his as he moved, slow and easy. The pace wasn't meant to bring either of us to completion yet, and it felt like he was taking as much time as I was, just savoring the moment._

"_You're beautiful." His hands gripped mine and our fingers locked together. "I need you, Bella. Don't leave me." _

_With his words, my heart pounded in my chest. Then, if that wasn't enough, his position changed slightly, hitting me in just the right spot. My eyes closed and my lips parted as I said his name one more time. His pace quickened and my body was writhing under his._

"_God, Jasper, you feel so good." _

_One hand let go of mine and slid down my body. His fingers gripped my thigh and pulled my leg up, hooking it around his arm. My fingers squeezed his and my empty hand found its way to his back again and I pulled his body against mine. This new position had me moaning and gasping from the pleasure it brought me, as the speed of his thrusts picked up. I could feel the pressure building as I got close._

_The ecstasy continued and finally, after years of fantasies, I felt my body tighten around him as I fell over that edge that only Jasper could bring me to. Every cell in my body was on fire with the pleasure he was giving me, and that fire burned hotter as his heavy breaths and whispered words in my ear told me he was close._

_As I came down from my high, he sped up slightly and, within minutes, his body stilled above me as he reached his own end. The words he spoke with his release would have embarrassed me on a normal day, but there was nothing he could say now that could make this moment any less perfect than it already was._

_He pushed himself up onto one arm and held my eyes with his. "That was amazing."_

_He dipped his head down and kissed me one last time before rolling to his side. After cleaning up, he held out one arm as an invitation to me and I gladly took it, snuggling up to his side. My head rested on his chest and his hand stroked my hair. I sighed and closed my eyes, content to fall asleep in the arms of the man I loved. Just before I fell completely under, I felt his lips on my hair and he spoke the final two words of the night._

"_Goodnight, Bella."_

_~..~..~..~_

_My eyes opened to the light of a new day and I smiled at the memory of the night we shared. I rolled over to what had become his side of the bed only to find it empty. I sat up quickly and looked around my empty room and as I noticed his clothes were gone, the emptiness grew and my heart broke. I knew I was given a gift last night that I would never be allowed to have again, but I never expected him to be so cold and leave without so much as a goodbye._

_The tears burned my eyes as I laid back down, facing his side of the bed. I noticed a folded piece of paper lying on the pillow. I reached out to grab it and, with trembling fingers, I opened it and read his final words._

_**Had to run. We'll talk soon. **_

XoXo B / J XoXo

After everything we'd been through over the years, I couldn't believe he took the coward's way out by leaving me that note. He didn't even have enough respect or love for me to say goodbye in person. It would have been an awkward moment, but it was the least I deserved.

For years, I waited on the side and watched as she broke him time and time again only to fix him back up and send him on his way. I had given him every part of me that I had to give but, when he walked away without a word,_ he_ finally broke _me_. I didn't think it would ever come to this, but my lips formed the words I never thought I would hear myself say.

"Just leave, Jasper, there isn't anything left to talk about."

The doorknob moved under my hand in perfect synchronization with his frantic pounding on my door.

"No B, you're wrong. Please just let me in."

More pounding. I turned and leaned against the door.

"God, Jasper, just go back to her and leave me alone. I can't take this anymore." My voice was unsteady and tears were running down my face.

The pounding stopped and the immediate silence was deafening.

"I can't, B. There isn't anything to go back to anymore."

"Why?" I choked out.

"Come on, B. I don't want to do this through the door, just let me in."

"Why?" I screamed. I was barely holding it together and he was stalling.

"I told her it's over and I walked out." He tried the doorknob again. "I walked out, B, and came straight here."

Stunned would have been the right word to describe my feelings as I heard him say he left her.

"Fine! You don't wanna open the door then fine, but I'm not leaving until you hear me out." He paused for a second. "B, I woke up that morning, saw your face and I thought I had just ruined the best thing in my life and I freaked out. I left you that note and took off before you woke up so I wouldn't have to hear you tell me you hated me for ruining our friendship. I know it was a fucked up thing to do and I'm sorry."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing

"I thought if I just called you in a couple of days, things would be okay and we could just be us again but that didn't work for me. I couldn't stop thinking about you…you, Bella, and that damn song."

I couldn't get the door opened fast enough. I had to see his face to know that what he was saying was real. As soon as I cracked the door just a little, it was pushed out of my hand and Jasper's lips crashed into mine. The kiss was hard and urgent and forceful but it felt so good. There was no hint of alcohol and I knew he was sober, kissing me because he wanted to and not on a drunken impulse.

When he finally broke the kiss, we were both breathing raggedly from the lack of oxygen. My hands were buried in his hair and he had one hand on the back of my neck and one on my back holding me close to him. He touched his forehead to mine but kept his eyes closed.

"Tell me you were singing that song for me. Tell me I haven't completely fucked up. Please Bella; tell me I didn't ruin us."

If I could have formed words I would have, but the lump in my throat wouldn't let me speak. I touched my lips softly to his for the only reply I was capable of at that moment. He understood my silent communication and gave in to the kiss. It was soft and sweet and I poured all the love into it that I had been hiding from him all these years. I pulled away, out of breath again, so I could tell him everything.

"Yes." He stared at me and I felt as if he was seeing straight into my heart. "I sang that song for you. I have loved you for years, Jasper. I just couldn't tell you before. I was the one always afraid of ruining our friendship and I thought if you knew, I would lose you. You're too important to me and I couldn't let that happen. So I sat back and watched. I watched her hurt you so many times and it killed me every time you walked away from me and went back to her."

Tears filled my eyes again as I confessed my feelings for him. He wrapped me in his arms with his mouth next to my ear as he whispered 'I'm sorry' over and over again. He left little kisses from my ear to my mouth where he touched his lips to mine three short times with another 'I'm sorry' between each kiss. He stepped back to look me in the eye as one hand smoothed over my hair.

"Bella, I wish I would have known. This…" He pointed his finger between us. "You and me, could have happened a long time ago. Now that I know, Bella, I want to try. I'm not gonna say that everything is going to be perfect or easy because we know better. But give me a chance, B, and I can do my best to be everything you need."

I was the one to attack him this time, my kiss insistent, wanting to show him how much his words meant to me.

He laughed and, with his lips still on mine, he spoke, "So, is that a yes."

I laughed with him. "Do you even have to ask?"

His smile got bigger and he swept me up in his arms. After finally shutting the front door, he carried me to my bed and we lay down to spend the second night of, what I hoped to be, the rest of our lives together.

* * *

**A/N: For those who have asked, I would like to continue with this and make it a short story, but I have to finish up some of my other stories first. Hit that favorite/alert button and you will be the first to know when I do. **


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